20 Years

20 years

2 decades

3 degrees

50 lbs

3 states

8 jobs

4 promotions

1 career

3 apartments

1 house

4 boyfriends

46 bad dates

1 true love

3 pregnancies

2 kids

200+miles ran 

2 half-marathons crushed

countless relationships that withered away and even more that have blossomed around me

 

And yet, this says nothing about who I am, what I've learned. What I've let go of and what still nags in my ear.

 

So much has happened since I graduated from high school 20 years ago. I was so impatient to leave - to get away and start my own life with my own rules, on my own terms. I left the town of-course,  not realizing the anxieties, insecurities and fears were already packed away, ready to travel with me to my next adventure right along alongside my dorm decor and crimping iron (?!?!?!)

 

If I could tell my 18 year old self one thing it would be this - you will be ok. you will not always be comfortable or happy but you will be ok. you are stronger than you know. stronger than you ever thought possible. you will know love and loss, the likes of which you never realized you had capacity to feel and that will add to your bad-assed strongness. not everyone will like you and that's ok so stop focusing on that. save that attention and energy for liking yourself. compare you to you and do it with compassion.

 

as i sit on a plane headed to my HS reunion, the tried and true worries try to sneak into my bag to travel with me - will everyone look better than me? will they have accomplished MORE great things? be more satisfied with life? will I fit in and have people to talk to? should I wear the expensive jeans or the cute dress to look my best yet effortless?

 

so unlike my 18 year old self I will hear these worries, marvel at the tenacity of them to persevere for so long, and let them go. I don't need them for this trip. i have my running shoes and my dancing shoes packed and frankly there's no more space. I have friends to see, a mom to chill  with and wonderful childhood friends waiting for my arrival. I have kids at home that I love so much that I have to leave them once in awhile so that my heart (or my head) doesn't explode. i have a husband that says go have fun and come home to us relaxed and ready to jump back in.

 

so here i go. 

bring on the Aqua Net!